Time for Viewer Participation

Here's a fun thing I got in the old email inbox recently.  I've reproduced it (along with some entertaining running commentary) because it's indicative of the vacuous nature of contemporary society.  I've also omitted all names and references that could establish any identities, because I want to have a little fun with you, my faithful readers.  My question for you:  do you think this is real, or just something that one of my many witty email correspondents with too much time simply made up?  Please email me your thoughts on this very important matter!

Dear Colleagues,
I am pleased to announce that effective [date removed] the Project Management Team currently in [name omitted]'s organization will begin working with me [I bet they're delighted and honored!] to expand the best practices of project management throughout the entire company.  [Name omitted], Director of Program Managment [sic]; [name omitted], Project Manager, and [name omitted], Project Coordinator will work with us to leverage [ooh! An MBA style buzz word!] project management across our [dys?]functional areas and assist me in tying together cross-functionally [redundant phrase?] the many "pieces" of our organization's diverse activities [what?] through Program and Portfolio Management [umm... okay].  [Name omitted] will also be joining the group in early [date omitted] as Quality Assurance Manager, Project Management [more layers of management are obviously needed, for it's clear there's not enough management!]. The primary function of the group will be to achieve a continuing increase in the organization's project management maturity [because in the past, they've been marked by sophomoric immaturity no doubt!] by linking the company's projects/initiatives to our  strategic plans, operational priorities, and financial targets [what the phuck does that mean? Is it something along the lines of, "we will set goals and attempt to achieve them?"].

Essentially, I foresee [foresight is good] several objectives and outcomes [are they objectives, or are they outcomes?] for us in the [Name of Entity Omitted]. This is a learning journey [damn straight!] for us as a company in terms of actually fortifying [could be the military?] the principles of teamwork [teamwork is a principle?] and knowledge sharing and management [these are principles?]. We will work to establish a communication device [telephone? videocam?]  through Project and Program Management which will provide a "line of sight" [definitely videocam!] for every employee, from the company's top priorities and values to each project underway to support such priorities [Excellent!  I bet the employees can't wait!] What I have heard from many of you [I hope it was more grammatically and stylistically acceptable than this!] is that this will be an important step in bringing all of us together under a collective [this word usually means one person will do most of the work, and a large group of secondhanders will take all of the credit] view of our future and where and how we need to move forward as an organization.

Second, it will solidify our commitment -- as a group of people brought together for this endeavor known as [Name of entity omitted] -- to the standards of Quality, Accountability, and Efficacy [this is a standard?  I wonder if it's a principle also?] in how we utilize ALL of our resources [the coffeepot could surely be more accountable AND efficacious, damnit!].  The drive here is to promote quality as our our [sic -- double emphasis on the collective there!] commitment to excellence in meeting customers' needs; striving to demonstrate that excellence is our standard [not that it actually is, but it's the act that's important in the era of Bill Clinton, baby!]. Third, included in that commitment is our dedication to each other [wouldn't it have been  more redundant -- and therefore much more consistent -- for the author to have said "collective dedication to each other?" Must work on that]; we must do all we can as colleagues to help one another succeed [again, this generally means that a handful of people will get sh!t done, and people who write these sorts of unintelligible if not laughable memos will take all credit].  That should be a critical component of our social contract [Rousseau?  I thought I smelled a collectivist!] as an organization [what does political philosophy have to do with the organization? Maybe it's a political organization.  Hmm].  Effective project and program management [yes, I bet this person's employees are hopeful for some effective management!] can promote and validate transparency of objectives and manageable workloads in addition to clearer communication [I bet this person's employees would vote for clearer communication, or at least something resembling communication]. Fourth, through the expanded and improved use of Project and Program Management, [Name of Entity Omitted] will be able to adopt a dynamic planning model [sounds exciting!]  to better manage [hate those split infinitives!] our Portfolio [capital P baby!] and Optimize [it becomes even more efficacious with a capital O!] our options in a more timely and effective manner [Hallelujah!].  We will be more realistically tied to our aspirations [what?] vis-a-vis the market and our customers' needs.

Specifically, what we will do at the onset [I guess we don't need a verb for this fragment, huh?]:

• Obtain priorities from the [Name omitted] Committee and align projects with Corporate [big C baby!] goals [they're modest in their goals, small g there] to help us all understand which things get our attention [sounds good!];

• Implement business planning and project management standards and methods [that would seem to be a very good idea; in fact, I think I would put it at the very top!];

•  Provide asssistance [sic -- guess they got carried away with those s's in ASS] and direction in scoping new projects, determining deliverables, resource requirements, and development plans;

• Conduct risk assessments

• Provide Project Management training and mentoring [I wonder if this is code for, force the sort of bullsh!t in this memo on the handful of people actually getting something done?]

• Provide assistance for Project Recovery

• Communicate project progress to all involved employees on a regular basis [As in: "We spent all our time writing unintelligible memos, no work got done, and now we're all fired!"]

• Facilitate the Company's decision-making process [I'm all for Facilitating Processes!] by selecting, prioritizing, and re-prioritizing projects through portfolio management. [uh-HUH!]

We will continue communications with you regarding next steps and updates [Dear god, I'm glad nobody is threatening me with this!].  Please feel free to contact any of us with questions [they can't be serious?] and/or comments [No, they can't be serious].

[Name Omitted]
[High Level Title Omitted], [Name of Entity Omitted]

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